a conversation with myself while reading John Green and the book of Matthew

By SARAH STOLTZFUS ALLEN

I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful.you know:
the whole “joy is in
the journey”
adage.

but

i live my life
looking to
Heaven.
every action,
scrutinized.
(if not right then,
later.
in prayer.)

so

my journey:
means
to an end.

For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.

if i am
the few,
is that supposed to bring
comfort?

“good job, you!
you are a part of
the few.”

please.

It always shocked me when I realized that I wasn’t the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things.

and yet

i cannot imagine
my God,
my Father,
displeased with my
thought process

while my mind is
on Heaven,
my body inhabits
little moments
here:

coffee with cream,
watching snow gather in great piles,
my boys with jelly smiles.

maybe the end is:
joy fulfilled.

the now:
just the now.
minute by minute.

Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

Sarah is a wife and mom who drinks way too much coffee and takes way too many pictures of her coffee mugs (and kids). She works as an administrative assistant by day and by night she drinks more coffee while she writes about her life, her love, her pursuit of happiness, and her beloved Appalachian foothills.

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